Non-urgent emergency

OK, so yesterday I had to rush my daughter to the maternity unit of our local hospital as what the midwife described as `A non-urgent emergency’ . . . Weird but true!


Finally arriving at the said marvel of modern medicine and Child Production Agency, Mother Nature was by now making her own urgent calls upon my body. I jigged frantically in front of the parking pay meter while hunting for the change I knew I had but could not find, finally managing to feed the evil cash monster the required sustenance that allowed my vehicle to rest in the space provided, I then rushed into the maternity building seeking relief.

Up and down corridors I searched, in and out of wards, up and down stairs and even behind the half empty drinks and snack machines I peered, but alas it was all in vain. Desperately I sought the assistance of a stern looking nurse on her way to terrorise yet another newborn, but the reply I received shocked me to my core. I was curtly informed there were NO male toilets in the maternity block!

Well! I almost relieved myself in shock! So what was a poor simple man supposed to do? I realise a maternity unit is for the purpose of infant arrivals and the female of our species was the priority of that unit, but what about the males unfortunately present? I understand that most women at this stage of the reproduction cycle wish all men castrated or shot, which ever makes less mess, but males are involved as well. Not all involved are in the position of a potential new father, some males are those other members of the male species that help and support these women in their hour of giving birth. What about males such as husbands, partners, boyfriends or one night stands? And should not consideration be given to the members of the expectant mother’s family? Such as fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncle or even son’s? What hellish mind contrived to remove all forms of male bladder relief from the building?

Still jiggling frantically I saw my daughter onto the appropriate ward before dashing out to seek a toiletry refuge. At last my prayers, incantations and other assorted words of choice were answered, a hundred yards away stood the main hospital building and I knew there I would find sanctuary and escape from my most pressing problem. Screaming past fellow visitors, patients, nursing staff and the odd lost doctor, I ran straight for the men’s room resembling a tortured banshee seeking to escape a rabid banker!

When at last the deed was done, I returned to my bemused daughter as she awaited to attentions of a doctor, which she duly received some four and a half hours later! Good job it was only a non-urgent emergency!  However it did turn out to be an emergency for me!

Days off

Ok so I have survived three days now without writing a word, well not in relation to books I mean. I have my next book planned but I have decided to take a sabbatical from writing while I await the British summer. Could be a long wait!


Having published two books via Amazon, I am now pondering the prospect of seeking a publishing agent or publisher. I have no idea if this is possible or even probable as most publishers today appear only to gratify the needs of footballers, pop stars or disgraced politicians. However I will strive to climb that mountain and if I reach the summit then maybe I will have my first book in print on the bookshelves of Britain.

Having a few days off has allowed me to rejoin those pass times I have missed, and some that I most defiantly have not missed! I played my son’s guitar because he is away, then I played mine. It appears to have been some time since I played because I was awful! More practice I think.

I have bailed the ocean out of my little boat and the sat serenely upon its gently rocking bow and surveyed the tranquil river before me. I have even played football with my grandson, his rules though, not real football. He kicks the ball, I run after the ball! But it was still very enjoyable. Then we all went hunting for blackberries, the family desired a blackberry and apple pie. Unfortunately the dozen or so berries we found did not justify a pie, so my grandson ate them.

Today with the sun shining brightly down from the heavens, I was informed I had decided to help in the garden. I cannot remember making this decision but who am I to argue against superior forces, so I helped with the gardening. I am now suffering the rewards of cuts, scratches, stings and bruises and I have been given notice that tomorrow will be much the same. Maybe it’s time I began work on the next book!

My latest book: Humanology

Humanology.


Hi Folks. Well my second book is finished and I am about to send it off to Amazon and Creatspace. It’s a strange book I will admit. Entitled Humanology, it is a compilation of observations made on the behaviour, antics and habits of the modern human. Possibly along the lines of sociology, psychology and maybe even philosophy but certainly not too deep and with some humour to help the reader stay awake, hopefully!

In this book I have tried to analyse the things we see all around us in our everyday existence, from the changes we have witnessed over the course of our years to the onslaught of binge drinking, mind numbing television programmes and the availability of every food stuff known to man.
The different ways in which we deal or fail to deal with modern living is discussed but only superficially, I don’t want to become known as a cure for insomnia instead of an author!
This book has been rattling around in my head for years so I thought I had better get it down on paper, or rather onto my computer before the ideas and thoughts burst from my ears in a stream of incoherent rubbish!
Finally before you begin shouting profanities at your PC screen, I know there is no such word as Humanology. But what better way to describe man’s modern foibles and traits that often leaves other astounded or horrified? The book does not exactly cover one discipline so cannot be placed entirely under a title of sociology or psychology. Perhaps it should have been called; The Ramblings of a befuddled and confused mind! The title of Humanology was constructed as the best possible label for the mixture of subjects and conclusions, assumptions and observations on that very strange animal, the Human Being! However, in order for one to form a judgment on the essence of this book, one first has to read it!

My first book entitled: A Fly on the Ward, is doing quite well. If you haven’t already done so, check it out on Amazon. It is very difficult to promote when one has self published a book, literary agents and publishers are only concerned with footballers, pop stars and naughty politicians, the rest of us have no chance! So please have pity on a struggling virgin author and purchase this funny book of medical pandemonium.

Apart from writing, I have been fighting the odd battle with health, not that I’m unwell but I object to the amount of pills, potions, strange brews and other assorted concoctions the medics continually attempt to ram down my throat!
So I am reducing as many of the marvellous modern medicinal methods of medical mayhem produced by the medical profession for the amusement of us all. I’m not sure if I am helping or harming myself, but I think I’ll find out soon enough!