The illusive publisher

OK, so both my books have been on sale for a while now, A Fly on the Ward became available in May 2012 and Humanology was published in August 2012.  I am busy on my third book which will be entitled, A Fly on the Garden Wall.

So now I have a couple of published books under my belt, should I try for a literary agent or publishing company this time?  So far I have only published on Amazon.  I admit I would love to see some of my work shining alluringly upon the shelves of bookshops, it’s not quite the same downing to Kindle or other electronic devices. The trouble is, how does one get a publisher?  I am not a famous footballer, nor am I a popular singer or TV personality and I am certainly not an infamous politician! So how do I get on those bookshelves? Honestly I haven’t a clue. Maybe I will start pleading, begging and beseeching some of the more honest and better known publishers via the good old internet. Actually that’s about the only way one can contact others these days. The art of letter writing and even the initial phone conversation are in rapid decline.

It’s not that I want to be rich and famous exactly; I just wish to be recognised for my work, identified as an author and get paid for being an author. Will that ever happen?  Some how I doubt it but I will endeavour to seek out the enlightenment of the illusive publisher as I continue to write.

Non-urgent emergency

OK, so yesterday I had to rush my daughter to the maternity unit of our local hospital as what the midwife described as `A non-urgent emergency’ . . . Weird but true!


Finally arriving at the said marvel of modern medicine and Child Production Agency, Mother Nature was by now making her own urgent calls upon my body. I jigged frantically in front of the parking pay meter while hunting for the change I knew I had but could not find, finally managing to feed the evil cash monster the required sustenance that allowed my vehicle to rest in the space provided, I then rushed into the maternity building seeking relief.

Up and down corridors I searched, in and out of wards, up and down stairs and even behind the half empty drinks and snack machines I peered, but alas it was all in vain. Desperately I sought the assistance of a stern looking nurse on her way to terrorise yet another newborn, but the reply I received shocked me to my core. I was curtly informed there were NO male toilets in the maternity block!

Well! I almost relieved myself in shock! So what was a poor simple man supposed to do? I realise a maternity unit is for the purpose of infant arrivals and the female of our species was the priority of that unit, but what about the males unfortunately present? I understand that most women at this stage of the reproduction cycle wish all men castrated or shot, which ever makes less mess, but males are involved as well. Not all involved are in the position of a potential new father, some males are those other members of the male species that help and support these women in their hour of giving birth. What about males such as husbands, partners, boyfriends or one night stands? And should not consideration be given to the members of the expectant mother’s family? Such as fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncle or even son’s? What hellish mind contrived to remove all forms of male bladder relief from the building?

Still jiggling frantically I saw my daughter onto the appropriate ward before dashing out to seek a toiletry refuge. At last my prayers, incantations and other assorted words of choice were answered, a hundred yards away stood the main hospital building and I knew there I would find sanctuary and escape from my most pressing problem. Screaming past fellow visitors, patients, nursing staff and the odd lost doctor, I ran straight for the men’s room resembling a tortured banshee seeking to escape a rabid banker!

When at last the deed was done, I returned to my bemused daughter as she awaited to attentions of a doctor, which she duly received some four and a half hours later! Good job it was only a non-urgent emergency!  However it did turn out to be an emergency for me!

Days off

Ok so I have survived three days now without writing a word, well not in relation to books I mean. I have my next book planned but I have decided to take a sabbatical from writing while I await the British summer. Could be a long wait!


Having published two books via Amazon, I am now pondering the prospect of seeking a publishing agent or publisher. I have no idea if this is possible or even probable as most publishers today appear only to gratify the needs of footballers, pop stars or disgraced politicians. However I will strive to climb that mountain and if I reach the summit then maybe I will have my first book in print on the bookshelves of Britain.

Having a few days off has allowed me to rejoin those pass times I have missed, and some that I most defiantly have not missed! I played my son’s guitar because he is away, then I played mine. It appears to have been some time since I played because I was awful! More practice I think.

I have bailed the ocean out of my little boat and the sat serenely upon its gently rocking bow and surveyed the tranquil river before me. I have even played football with my grandson, his rules though, not real football. He kicks the ball, I run after the ball! But it was still very enjoyable. Then we all went hunting for blackberries, the family desired a blackberry and apple pie. Unfortunately the dozen or so berries we found did not justify a pie, so my grandson ate them.

Today with the sun shining brightly down from the heavens, I was informed I had decided to help in the garden. I cannot remember making this decision but who am I to argue against superior forces, so I helped with the gardening. I am now suffering the rewards of cuts, scratches, stings and bruises and I have been given notice that tomorrow will be much the same. Maybe it’s time I began work on the next book!

My latest book: Humanology

Humanology.


Hi Folks. Well my second book is finished and I am about to send it off to Amazon and Creatspace. It’s a strange book I will admit. Entitled Humanology, it is a compilation of observations made on the behaviour, antics and habits of the modern human. Possibly along the lines of sociology, psychology and maybe even philosophy but certainly not too deep and with some humour to help the reader stay awake, hopefully!

In this book I have tried to analyse the things we see all around us in our everyday existence, from the changes we have witnessed over the course of our years to the onslaught of binge drinking, mind numbing television programmes and the availability of every food stuff known to man.
The different ways in which we deal or fail to deal with modern living is discussed but only superficially, I don’t want to become known as a cure for insomnia instead of an author!
This book has been rattling around in my head for years so I thought I had better get it down on paper, or rather onto my computer before the ideas and thoughts burst from my ears in a stream of incoherent rubbish!
Finally before you begin shouting profanities at your PC screen, I know there is no such word as Humanology. But what better way to describe man’s modern foibles and traits that often leaves other astounded or horrified? The book does not exactly cover one discipline so cannot be placed entirely under a title of sociology or psychology. Perhaps it should have been called; The Ramblings of a befuddled and confused mind! The title of Humanology was constructed as the best possible label for the mixture of subjects and conclusions, assumptions and observations on that very strange animal, the Human Being! However, in order for one to form a judgment on the essence of this book, one first has to read it!

My first book entitled: A Fly on the Ward, is doing quite well. If you haven’t already done so, check it out on Amazon. It is very difficult to promote when one has self published a book, literary agents and publishers are only concerned with footballers, pop stars and naughty politicians, the rest of us have no chance! So please have pity on a struggling virgin author and purchase this funny book of medical pandemonium.

Apart from writing, I have been fighting the odd battle with health, not that I’m unwell but I object to the amount of pills, potions, strange brews and other assorted concoctions the medics continually attempt to ram down my throat!
So I am reducing as many of the marvellous modern medicinal methods of medical mayhem produced by the medical profession for the amusement of us all. I’m not sure if I am helping or harming myself, but I think I’ll find out soon enough!

Tender touch


Hi all, I've got a little story to make you smile, it certainly lifted my heart.

My grandson is only 5yrs old and has had his share of ill health including asthma just like me. We are very close, his favourite word is `Grandad!'
We do much together and our bond is strong as I had to help bring him up when his father did a runner!
Recently during a family Sunday meal, my breathing though better, was still not good enough for me to play with him and my lungs were bellowing as I tried to force air into my lungs.

My grandson had given me a hug as soon as he arrived and stayed near me while also attempting to demolish the house as only a 5yr old can do. My 27yr old son was also there so it wasn't long before the two of them began to play, which pleased me as it took the strain off me.
Suddenly my grandson returned to my side, wrapped his arms around me once more and gave me a tight hug. Looking up at my face and in complete sincerity he said:

`It's okay grandad, you can have some of my air.'  He then blew gently into my face . . . . . . .

Mistake!

OK, so I made a mistake!  The last blog was not intended for this site, but another which deals with rare and strange diseases of the human body. As you may have deduced I should have sent the last blog to that site, but instead placed it here.
So I'm sorry to all those who assumed I'd gone mad, or had their meals disrupted by the descriptions. I will try and be more selective and careful in future.
Promise!

The Enemy

OK folks, I’ve been told I have to blog more so here goes.


The disease Aspergillosis is somewhat rare, incurable and a right pain in the backside. It strikes for no apparent reason and once in the lungs, it never goes away.

So now you all know what aspergillosis is, or maybe not. If not please check out my earlier blogs. Anyway it’s not the disease itself I wish to ramble about this time. No I’m afraid the subject I wish to mention is the mortality rate of this disease.

As a life time asthmatic I have made many friends which I then lost to that particular disease, nearly lost myself on many occasion. But now as I gather new friends in fellow suffers of aspergillosis, I find they are leaving me again.

A lady with a family, a previously busy life and hope for her future has just been informed that she has none! No future! The medication she has been receiving, the only medication available is in itself, killing her! Her doctors have suggested she stops all the treatment as it’s not helping anyway, and to settle her affairs and ready herself for what is destined to happen very soon.

I have known this lady for several years now and I know the battles she has fought, unfortunately it appears she has won some battles but now has lost the war!

I’m sorry for this sad blog but it needs to be known just how deadly the disease of aspergillosis is, the effects it can have on a family and the sadness of loved ones, relatives and friends who stand witness to this loneliest of moments.

My friend still fights but the enemy is overwhelming . . . . .

A Fly on the Ward

So finally, after many years of thinking about it, finding excuses or simply forgetting how to write, I have just published my first book! OK, so I know I’ve only published on Amazon’s Kindle thingy but at least I’ve published the thing.
It was quite easy to do, not the writing, the publishing I mean. I dutifully followed all the instructions, watched the `How to’ video and read through most of the advice bits. In fact I followed them too closely because my book has been published without a title! The instructions stated that I should send a jpeg image for the front cover but no mention was made about the title or, more importantly, my name! I assumed as the instruction was for jpeg images alone, they would fill in title and authors name. Wrong! So now I have to wait until the 12 hour publishing review is up, . . . . in 24 hours and correct the front page. Ah well!

The book is a record of some humorous, strange, heart warming and odd events and occurrences I have witnessed while being frequently incarcerated in one of today’s modern, marvellous, medicinal motels of medicine, commonly or laughingly otherwise known as a hospital.
I have recounted, with the odd embellishment, stories tall and short that happened in my long history of a medical victim and from a patient’s point of view. Namely mine!
There are thousands of books available written by doctors and making humour from their experiences with patients. I have even read one or two of these books and some are a good read indeed, some are not!

I have published via Amazon because alas I am no fourteen year old pop star writing a biography, nor and I a famous footballer listing my achievements, on and off the pitch! I am not an infamous politician regaling everyone within hearing distance about my life in Parliament and I am certainly not a film star either!
So getting a book published would be easier than finding a pile of rocking horse manure on my front lawn! Yes it would be easier if I took the road of self publishing, paying all the publishing costs, printing and distribution. But sadly I am not Richard Branson or Alan Sugar, though in truth both are famous enough for publishers to fall over in their haste to publish a book by either.
Nope I’m just a Joe Nobody so getting a book published would be difficult or very expensive, so I chose the self publishing option offered by Amazon. I hope it works!

Dunno if links show on this bloggy thing, but here goes with the link to my book. Please buy it so I can afford the paper and ink to write a second one.


Oh by the way, the book is called; A Fly on the Ward and can be downloaded for a minuscule fee to your Kindle, computer, IPod etc. Enjoy.

Social Networking Sites.

Social networking sites, which do you prefer? For my countless and untold sins I have accounts with several of the more commonly known social networking sites, and I have suddenly arrived at a conclusion. Beginning with the ever popular Facebook, what makes this site so widely used? As far as I can see the Facebook team appear intent on changing the damn layout of the site every other day, making it extremely frustrated to those of us who have just gotten used to one format, and learnt how to use it, then Hey Pesto it’s changed again! Bloody nuisance!

Then there are the characters who use this social network, an interesting bunch, which like I said, includes me. Most use the site to keep in touch with friends, sometimes relatives and often just to have a nose at the profiles of those we used to know, want to know, would like to know or wish we didn’t know!

By far my biggest irritant is the `Buy &/or Sell’ sites on FB. Why do people place an item or vehicle for sale on the site but constantly not bother with any information about the item or vehicle? For instance, For Sale. Ford Escort. That’s it! No location, year of registration, mileage or condition. No prices on items, often not even a title or description, just simply a photo! Do these people all assume we are a nation of mind readers? Or are they themselves just too damn lazy! Imagine a shop with no advertising, no items on show and no prices available, not even a name above the shop premises, would you go in and attempt to purchase something? Not bloody likely!

OK, what about Twitter? From the little I have learned about this site, it is further reaching than its FB rival, tweets appear to span the world based solely on what subjects or people one follows. A Good idea I think. The downside to me is, every one seems to just tweet links to other sites or webpage’s, no real messages, just links. If one reads a statement or comment and replies, no further answers, replies or insults are returned, is this `social’ or more in the realms of anti-social? I am still learning about Twitter and so far I have made some fascinating contacts, or follows & followers as the used titles. I just wish more Tweeters would write something interesting, entertaining, hopeful, helpful or simply plain nice, instead of thousands of links to other sites, films, books, people or publicity stuff that no one really wants to bother with.

I became a member of Linkedin but damned if I can remember why and who invited me! Yes it’s a great site for announcing ones business, qualifications, work status and other formal information, but again getting answers is difficult. I find no one sends me messages or answer any I send, the Linkedin members seem intent on publishing their own successes and achievements but with little thought to what their own contacts are up to. OK, so this may be just down to me, maybe I’ve chosen the wrong people as contacts, or not stated my interests clear enough, or possibly I simply don’t have any friends . . . . .

Apathy

So, the government now wants to monitor our texts, emails and websites, doesn’t this sound a tinsy bit like the Cold War years? The difference being, we the public are the `enemy’ and the government is the Big Brother Authority.
Squeal as you may to this latest piece of national dominance issuing forth from the allegedly democratic British government, but in truth, is it not our pure apathy that allows such things to occur?

People in the western world appear to be unable to stand up for themselves anymore, relying solely on moaning and lamenting to anyone willing to listen!
Most of us fall into this category, if a person were to trip over an uneven pavement; the cry would go forth;
“Why doesn’t some one report this?”
But alas no one does because no one really cares. Why should we be bothered, it was not us that tripped so let someone else deal with it! This same level of apathy drapes its uncaring blanket over all of us at some time, a practice we have all been guilty of at some stage in our lives.

So why do we simply insist on moaning rather than standing up for our rights? Is it because we do not know how? Is it because we fear any back lash? Or is it just that we cannot be bothered to make the effort? What ever the reason, the government, businesses, the medical establishment, in fact all those in a position of authority are allowed to happily stamp all over us.

The only thing we are famous for fighting against, is planning permissions! Suggest building a nuclear power station in the middle of nowhere and lo and behold, thousands pour onto the streets in protest! Even though those who protest will benefit from increased jobs, increased commercial benefits and an economic up turn for that area. No, all we care about is the value of our houses and how having a nuclear plant near by may reduce the selling price of our property. I used a nuclear plant as an example but it could be any type of commercial construction, from a school to a wind farm, we raise our voices in protest at the sheer audacity of building such a thing near our homes.

So what is our stance in life today? Is it simply to protect the value of our homes? Unfortunately this does appear to be the case. Start a war in another county? Fine, OK. Raise taxes beyond the ability of thousands of people on low incomes? Yep, that’s fine. Snoop into our private lives, through the web and texts, through our financial transactions? Yes that’s alright.
Try to ease our fuel consumption by erecting wind turbines? No! That’s not OK; it’ll affect our house values! Build an incinerator to help reduce the amount of rubbish that is buried in landfill sites? No, that’s unacceptable as it will affect the value of our homes!
Take any action or construct any device, machine or building that will help both us and our environment will bring cries of dismay from all homeowners across the western hemisphere. But tax us into the gutter, spy on our every move with CCTV or read our texts and emails, enter all our details onto every computer in the land, yes that’s fine.

Where did this apathy come from? Why do we no longer care unless it affects the property values? Where has our spirit of defiance gone? Is there a price?

They

So, once more I am wide awake late into the night, sleep eludes me again, so why can't they do something about it? The rest of the house are sleeping soundly, if not quietly, but at least the sound of snoring assures me all is well.

They! That is a very big word in today’s modern world, They, so who are they?
Speak to anyone in the street, in the home, in the office or even in a shop and sooner or later the word `They’ with pop up in conversation. Maybe it’s more of a British thing rather than world wide, maybe it’s just we English who insist on blaming someone else, the elusive `they’. So who are `they’? Are they the same as `Somebody’ or `The Council’ or The Government’? Why do we frequently refer to those in charge or those in authority as `they’?

If a person were to trip over a raised paving slab in the street, I guarantee either that person or another will ask, “Why don’t `they’ do something about that”? Or “It’s about time `they’ fixed that. If a favourite landmark was to be demolished a voice would ring out loudly, “Why are `they’ allowing that? When our taxes increase, a multitude of tongues will state “They should not be allowed to do that” or “What are `they’ doing with our money?”

When people talk about authority, the word chosen as a label is `they’, for instance if a young man cannot find a job someone will say “They should help”, when a drain breaks in the road, in will be “They should fix that”. Other statements are also frequently uttered like, “How can `they’ do that? “They should not be allowed to get away with that”, “They didn’t say”, “They don’t know” when talking about the medical profession. Rather than simply name the authority or council or government or world leader or even just the family next door, people always seem to revert to the word `they’.

So why do we use the word `they’ so frequently? Are we just lazy and cannot be bothered to give full title? Maybe it’s often the fact that we just don’t know who `they’ are in certain circumstances, perhaps it has become enjoined into our way of life, our verbal antennary, our method of communication, our lack of deep thought, that we no longer see any problem with `they’? Although in our modern country all persons are acclaimed to have a basic education, a reasonable conception of the English language and certainly a wide range of assorted communication aids, this is sadly not the case.

Funny old day

Well it’s been a funny old day, not being able to catch myself coming or going! Way too many little jobs to do that outweigh those even bigger chores that are lying in wait for when I least expect them.

When my life is too busy to be realistic, my mind wanders into the realms of `What if?’ What if there is no afterlife? What if I have chosen the wrong religion? What if there is no meaning to life. Is life just a random set of occurrences?
My whirling brain spreads its wings into other areas of confusion as I delve into the deepest pits of my subconscious and being examining my place on this ball of dirt, my footprint in the sand. A famous person who I cannot recall once stated that we live on until the last person to remember us dies, and then we are dust, in physical state and memory.

Yes I know this is a really depressing blog, I did not intend it to be such as I am only recounting some of my muddled minds journey. All of us suffer random and irrational thoughts during those quiet moments or those extremely busy periods of our day. Apart from the question of existence, other huge topics clamber for space in our melting pot of thoughts, but that’s for another day.

Today mine have been depressing, but I’m not depressed, today my thoughts have centred on religion, but I already have my own conclusions on that subject. Today I have wondered about the afterlife but that is a question without answer for those who live, and I’m in no hurry to discover the answers!
So live long, live healthy but never forget there is only one certainty in life . . .

Publication or bin?

Publish or bin it?

Well I’m almost there; I only have a couple of thousand words to write before finishing my first book. The stories are there in draft so it’s no great deal to simply write them up and include them into the whole document. Then it’s the chore of putting all in the correct sequence and position, re-reading and editing constantly, arranging a proof read and finalising the title, then I can set about locating a publisher. Phew!

But is the hard work done? Is writing the thing in the first instance the hardest task? No! Securing a publisher or literary agent to take on my book will be by far the most arduous task I face! Unfortunately I am not a 14 year old pop star or famous footballer promoting my miniscule autobiography, so I have little chance of being published.
Publishers and literary agents are often overwhelmed with hoards of enthusiastic would be authors lobbying for their own pieces of work to be placed on the worlds stage, or bookshelf! So actually getting one to agree to read a new book is nigh on impossible. One typo, one grammatical error or mispronunciation is all that is required for a publisher to consign a year of work to the waste bin. The market for unpublished authors is rampant, publication and a possible literary career is purely at the whim of publishers.
Nor do I believe in self publishing, one still needs an impartial mind with a commercial interest to honestly determine if the entire book is crap! I am not arrogant enough to assume I’ve written a best seller on my first attempt, but having read some of the rubbish that has successfully been published, I would consider I have a good chance!

For those slightly interested, my book contains multiple short and humorous (hopefully) stories relating to the UK medical profession. I won’t say more as I feel it may be premature and hinder my already impossible task of seeking publication. I have covered an theme that has been mostly unconsidered, though I do remember a TV show written along the same lines many years ago. So I’m hoping this different angle may win me some brownie points in the world of literature. However I am still watching the skies for the fabled flying pig!

What other choice do I have? Well I believe there is now Epublishing, though I have scant knowledge of this avenue. I would have to examine Epublishing further and seek guidance from those who know before deciding on this route, so it may be a possibility yet.
Or there is self publishing. Self publishing is great if one does not wish to command a cash return for ones efforts. Personally I want to be paid! Plus the distribution of self publicised work depends solely on . . . oneself! And I cannot be bothered with that!
So if I fail to get the services of a publisher or agent, then my book will find its place onto my bookshelf and there remain for eternity, unread, unpublished and unloved. I will strive for literary completion, for my own self esteem if nothing else, but as to whether I will gain publication, I wouldn’t bet on it!

To blog or not to blog?

I'm trying to decide whether begin writing blogs , or not.  What does a blog achieve?  Who reads them? Why do people read blogs?  The famous and infamous I understand but the average Joe like me, what is there to read?

I think I'll consider my own questions before continuing.